Why You're Exhausted — And It's Not Because You're Not Doing Enough

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A couple of weeks ago, a family member was coming to visit. I wanted the house to look a certain way before she arrived. I knew she wouldn't judge me, but I still felt responsible for creating a space that had the level of care she was used to seeing. So I wrote out four pages of lists of everything that needed cleaning. Four pages. I divided the tasks with my partner, who honestly wasn't as invested in the whole cleaning situation as I was. And while I understood, it did irk me. And as the day got closer and life and business got busier, I watched the window of time to accomplish any of it get smaller and smaller. The day before she arrived, I looked at everything and decided what my bare minimum was going to be. And even considering a bare minimum brought a wave of guilt. You know those thoughts. If only I'd been better with my time leading up to this, I could have gotten it all done. If only I'd been better at maintaining things for months, I wouldn't be feeling this way now. I sat with those feelings and that discomfort. I took a breath into my feet and felt the ground below me. And then I asked, what if it's okay if the stuff doesn't get done? What if it's just more important that we had a good time together? Do I remember the state of people's houses when I visit them? Or do I remember the time I got to spend with them? Once I realized it was more about the quality time, my bare minimum was completely okay. And I want to talk about why getting to that realization took so much work and what made it possible. Hi, I'm SuperKate. Welcome to Connecting with SuperKate for women who have too many job titles, too many commitments, and are still determined to enjoy their lives anyway. We rarely ask ourselves what we can remove to create more capacity. We only ever ask, how can we do more? Productivity culture has focused on squeezing more into less time, doing more, being more, accomplishing more. But the people who work the smartest, the people with more regulated nervous systems, are the ones who can look at their list and let go of what isn't a priority now. I know someone who was recently going through an incredibly busy stretch, two kids, her own business, her husband working alongside her, and a theatrical production in its final two weeks of dress rehearsals and shows. And I know that feeling of those final dress rehearsals and shows. And she looked at what was coming and understood that her emotional and physical capacity was going to be at its limit. She knew there were toys everywhere. She knew there was laundry to be done. But there were only so many hours in the day. So she and her husband chose consciously to not worry about the toys until the production was finished. That's what a regulated nervous system makes possible. Not ignoring the mess, not pretending it isn't there because it was. She was in it every day when she was home with her kids and with her husband. But a regulated nervous system is being able to sit in that room full of toys without going into a spiral, without the self-criticism, or at least knowing that those voices aren't what you need to be listening to, because this isn't the priority right now. And that's okay. So here's something I want you to sit with. Our days are cyclical. It is rare that two days are exactly the same, especially when we have such big lives. And even internally, biologically, we are not the same as we were yesterday. And yet we compare what we accomplish on our busiest days to what we accomplish on our slowest ones, and then wonder why we're falling short. A day full of back-to-back meetings and a project due is not the same as a slow weekend morning. A weekend with no obligations is not the same as a weekend with a kid's birthday party, a sporting event, and a family dinner across town. Going to three work meetings requires a different kind of energy than providing emotional support to your kids and your partner in the same evening. These things are not the same. And treating them as identical items on a to-do list is part of what is exhausting us. So on the days when everything is full, when you know you're going to get home late, when the meetings are back to back, when life is just a lot, you get to decide. You can spend that time running around, feeling like no one is ever going to help you, try to get everything done, just constant overload. Or you can decide that some things are not going to get done today because the priority is rest or connection or just getting through. And you can decide not to feel guilty about what doesn't get done. And that last part, it is the hard part, especially for those of us who have been socialized as women, who have been told in a thousand subtle and not so subtle ways that the state of the home reflects the state of us and our worthiness, that a clean house means that we have it together, and that a messy one means that we don't. It doesn't. It means you had a full day. It means you made choices about what mattered most. And the dishes, they'll be there tomorrow. This is some of the most important work I do with my clients. Helping them find the grace for themselves that they are willing to give so freely to everyone else. And the entry point is always the body. Because when you're connected to your body, you have access to something most of us have never been taught. And that is a real sense of your own capacity, not the capacity you think you should have, the capacity you actually have on this day in this moment. And that awareness is what makes the difference between white knuckling through everything and consciously choosing what matters most. Between four pages of lists and a breath into your feet, between the guilt spiral and the question, what if it's okay if stuff doesn't get done? Your bare minimum on a hard day is still enough. And so are you. I want to thank you for being here for this episode. If you enjoyed it, it would be amazing if you shared it with someone who needs this connection. Or share it on socials and tag me. You can also head to my website and explore the other ways we can work together. And as always, I am grateful to connect with you.