Money Relationships, Paying Yourself, and Freedom with Melissa Mittelstaedt

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hello everyone. Welcome to Connecting with Super Kate. I am Super Kate, and I am so grateful to be joined by Melissa Middlestadt today. She is a friend for several years now. We've met online. I don't even remember. Maybe some networking thing. Uh I don't know. Yeah. But just got along and love her and am so excited to share her story and her awesomeness with you today. So, Melissa, will you introduce yourself?

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Of course. Thank you so much for having me. And I also am not sure what our connection point is, but when we're done talking, I might go do a little research to see if I can figure out what that connection point is. Um, the term that I use is financial consultant, and I realize that that can be a little bit of an obscure or vague term. So I'll try to condense the description of that as concisely as possible. So I work with conscious entrepreneurs, and I use that term very specifically because it's for the folks who realize that the system that we're operating in right now isn't for the betterment of our entire collective. It's the folks who see how businesses are run and want to be doing something different, crave something different, see that we could be making a bigger impact if we had more of the power. So when working with those folks as a financial consultant, I am a get in, let's get you organized, understanding the flow of your money, and then I get out. I'm not a long-term connection because I want folks to feel so confident and comfy with their own money that I'm guiding them into that, and then they can see themselves continuing through that.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

That's awesome. Yeah, it's really it's wonderful to acknowledge like to uh know yourself that you don't need to be there the whole time, like for years on end. There is a I am here to help you through this moment, and then you get to go do this yourself because I've given you the tools. And you're such a wonderful teacher and supportive human that I can't I can't imagine they're only just getting financial like money stuff from you. Like does it go? I we've talked in the past about it's deeper than just numbers and a spreadsheet with how you approach your money.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Yeah. I have two things that I want to say to that. When I'm working with my people, and it's not that I get in, get out, and then I forget about you. I get in there, I fall in love with you and your business and what you're doing, and I want to stay connected forever. But right, I don't want you to have to feel like you're tethered to me forever when it comes to how you work with your money. And I do that across the four, I call them the four prongs of money, our business finances and our personal finances. And even though we have to have those in completely separate bank accounts, so if you don't hear me say that, that they had to be in separate bank accounts, but they influenced each other so much that for me, I can't just talk about business without talking about how it's impacting your household. And I can't just talk about your household without it really uh without me understanding how it moves inside of your business. So they're so intertwined. Um, so those are the first two prongs. And then next is tactical, like your financial routine. What does that look like? How often are you spending time with your money? And then spiritual, what does that relationship with your money look like? Because sometimes we start, I I'll start working with folks, and it's like they're at enemy territory, you know? It's like gross. My money is like so far away from me that I don't really have a relationship at all. And so, in the midst of working through what we need to work through, we be we get to strengthen that relationship with our money, they get to bring it closer, they get to really define what a new relationship or a deepened relationship with money looks like.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Amazing. We are not, I feel like the way our culture has sort of positioned money for us, how entertainment has positioned people who have money. It's very easy to say, I want nothing to do with you because of the harm you've caused, and and it's it is tricky getting to the other side of like, no, it's the the individuals who have caused the harm, it's not the money itself. Money is just paper, it's just uh it's an energy, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, money isn't gonna make you an asshole. If you are one, money will just emphasize how big of an asshole you are. So it if if you're a solid human, we want you to have a lot more money because you're gonna make solid human decisions with it, but you're right. Often what we see is that view of like, oh great, there's just another person building uh their third yacht and destroying bridges to get it through, and you know, and you're like, call damn it. Like, why is that what we constantly see in our day-to-day when it comes to money? Um, I don't know if you're a Dolly Parton fan, like rest in peace, this woman. Yeah. I'm so glad the conversations that happened around who she is and the abundance mindset that she lived with and the way she used her money in just like such immense, beautiful ways. I was like, I that was one of I was very obviously very sad to see that she passed, but so glad to see people talking about money in such a beautiful light.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Yeah, yeah. If only Dolly could have been in charge of different entertainment channels and empires, and maybe that's I would have campaigned for that for sure. One of these time multiple to you know infinite timelines out there had to have yeah, it wasn't just Dolly World, the the recreational playground, it was Dolly World Paramount or whatever, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Like uh uh yeah, a hundred percent. I'd basket, I'd be on that channel every day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

So well, what were you did you always have this feeling about money that money was something you wanted to have a relationship with, that you saw it as a thing that can be used for good, or were you also on the other side of it where I just don't want to think about it? It is a thing that comes in and goes out, and it's just a thing there.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yeah, it was definitely on the other side. I had a horrible relationship with money. Um what after I had gotten so I ended up going to school for seven years to get my bachelor's degree, and then I went back to get my sign language interpreting degree, and I come out of college and really had no like money management skills whatsoever. And I have this like very vivid memory. I'm sitting on this grave grave, it's a green velvet couch with a colleague of mine, and I'm just like crying hysterically because what I was bringing in like was not covering like what I had to pay for in my debts and my life and like all of these things. And so I'm dialoguing with my colleague about that. She kind of like gets me to the a point of like stability. We go back into our office, and one of my other colleagues looked at me and she was like, What is going on? Like, what is happening, Melissa? And she I kind of like gave her the abbreviated version of what I had just gone through, and she looks me dead in the eyes and says, Maybe it's not the money, but that you don't know how to manage the money. And she was right. So not only did I not have a relationship with it, I didn't understand how to manage it. So I went like strict into study money, figure it out, do all the things, which I did, and I put together a plan and I followed that plan and I said no to things that um no to entertainment things because I had debt I had to get myself out of. And so I went through that whole process, but in the midst of it, I destroyed my relationship with money even more because I was trying to like take control, and I got I've I've got to have control, and it's gotta be doing what I say, and I gotta put things where they need to be put. And it wasn't until probably a few years later that I realized the destruction that I had done to my relationship with money because it was all about it's I've got to be in control. And when I hear people say that, now what relationship do we enter saying, I want to be controlling? We don't, we don't, not with my spouse, not with my best friend, not with people I'm in business relationships with. Like, I'm not looking to control anyone, and so in doing that with our money, it just creates this barrier between us versus that energy exchange and being able to really think about the moves that I'm making and how I'm doing it in a way that it's like, oh yeah, my money and I are on the same page.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

Yeah. That's though, and both both of those, the controlling and then the also the distancing are just really uh obvious forms of fight or flight, yeah. And how connected our nervous systems are to this thing that we have deemed is important.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

Um had did you personally notice a difference in how you felt in your physical body in those two different periods of life?

SPEAKER_00 11:13

Yeah, for sure. Yes, I did. And even when, and not to say like, oh now I I got out of debt and I everything's been perfect with money ever since. That's not true. That's not true. And so it knowing what it felt like to go through those bumps when I had like no relationship slash a horrible relationship with money versus going through the bumps now when I do have a relationship with money, I can 100% feel the difference of when that like angst comes up, my reaction isn't blaming the money, and it's not like trying to move back into control. Instead, it's a different conversation, it's a different feeling, it's a it's a different um yeah, it's a different vibe altogether of let's frame this, let's frame this in a way of how how do we get on the same page and move through it together versus all of a sudden being on opposite sides.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Does your partner like you were you I can't remember, were you together before you started going on this journey or after? I I've forgotten about it.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

We all good. We met in the midst of the journey, and thankfully he is just it's like such a kind human um that he was like, all right, let's go on this journey together. And not to say that we've been on the same road, like my road, my spiritual journey, especially with money, has been very different than his. Um, but he's willing to have any conversation. He's willing to hear me babble about all of these wild things that I'm learning, doing, trying, seeking. Um, so he he knew what he was getting himself into when he said, like, yes, let's let's make this a partnership for life. He was like, Okay, I've seen what this roller coaster can look like, and I'm saying yes to it.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Amazing. Have has he noticed his own relationship change as a byproduct of being within your you know immediate vicinity and how you approach it as a couple?

SPEAKER_00 13:39

Yeah, for sure. Um, I would say that he can catch him himself when something starts to kind of go off the rails. He can catch himself, and then he also is like, okay, then let's talk about it, let's dialogue through why are we feeling this way and and what's the you know, I mean, he doesn't he's willing to have the deeper conversations, and that's really all I can ask for.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Yeah. How much do you work with your clients on their with how they interact with their relationships and money?

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Yeah. When I work with a client, they fill out an intake form, and I'm pretty I'm a pretty intuitive person, and I have questions in all four of those prongs that we talked about earlier, and so I get a pretty good sense of what are we rooted in? Are we rooted in tactical and we need to really start there? Or are we rooted more in mindset spiritual and we need to start there? And so I'll present how I see it from my point of view when we have our first call together and kind of get their feedback to see how they're feeling, if they agree with me, if they disagree with me, we kind of do a little bit of getting to okay, is this where we both need believe we need to start? And let's say, for example, we say we're gonna start in something more tactical, and we start looking at numbers, and then a triggering moment happens where I can see either they're shutting down a little bit, or they start to their demeanor starts to change, and then I'll put a pause on things. Like, okay, we're gonna put the spreadsheet aside for a minute, and we're gonna dive in. Let's talk through like what triggered you, what happened in that moment. Do we need to do like an EFT tapping to like really clear some of that out? Do we need to pause and journal a little bit? Like, we get it. I'm not gonna stick down a path just to like blaze down a path, right? It's like we'll we'll take it as we need to take it. If we need to pause and redirect and then come back, or what whatever that looks like, we're able to kind of flow through that in our conversations together.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

Yeah. So you have nieces. Do you talk to them about money?

SPEAKER_00 16:15

No, I do not.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Is that for their parents?

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Or they're just not? That is for their parents, yes. I mean, I will I will have some conversations, but I'm also so cognizant of what adults say when kids are around. They just sponge it up. And so whenever I talk about money around them, I talk about it in a light of abundance, and you know, so I'm making sure that that's and if they ask me a direct question, I'll of course answer a direct question, but I just make sure that when I'm speaking about money, I'm speaking about it in a way that I'd want their little brains to absorb. So whenever they're whenever they're in therapy, you know, 10 years, 20 years later, they can be like, oh yeah, I remember this is how Melissa talked about it.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

Awesome. Uh so okay, going back to Sys Step, you were talking about EFT and journaling. Are those your two preferred ways of sort of reflecting or moving through stuck energy? Do you have other tactics that you use?

SPEAKER_00 17:40

We do some breathing exercises, we potentially do visualizations, and it all kind of depends on what resonates with the person that I'm with. Sometimes if I recommend, like uh, okay, hey, this is gonna be an awesome journal prompt. Like, let's stop. You can kind of get a few things out, and if they're like, Melissa, I don't like journaling, I'm like, great, next idea, you know. Like I kind of go with what I feel and then let them reflect back to me if that's the right thing to do. Uh, some people have never tapped before, and I say, Are you open to trying it? And they try it and they love it. And then some people try it and they're like, mmm, didn't really, you know, so it all kind of depends on what works for them. And I have had a few instances where I'm ready to like move into some sort of um mindset work, and I've got some prompts that can they can be a little heavy sometimes. And I've had people stop me and be like, that's too much for me to take on in this moment. And I'm like, great, thank you so much for having that awareness and letting me know. Um, I've taken some trauma-informed classes, but I would not say I'm a trauma-informed practitioner, and so therefore, I pause that, we get them that that they can use with their therapist later if they want to or feel like that's the right place, and then we move on to a lighter exercise. So I really get the feel for what the client is willing, needing, and really is resonating with them.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

That's that's amazing. And I mean, being trauma and getting trauma informed specifically is really a wonderful thing to do. I'm not specifically either, but I I think it uh uh knowing how to read people and uh you know it better sometimes to just say we're not even gonna take a half a step forward because even that is gonna be too much. And the point is to keep them in that uh I can still breathe and I can still have a conversation and open. Um yeah. Because Yeah, these things are so heavy.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, it it definitely is like I don't ever want to breach the safe space that I have promised that I'm creating. So if it and and I do, I make sure I tell my clients that it's like if it if it ever feels like we're we're getting too close to that, and like great, let's stop. Because we're we don't we don't want to breach that like safe space bubble.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Yeah, awesome. Yeah, I my partner and I have a sign that we do when things are getting, you know, if we're having a conversation, whatever, but you know, when there's that point of we don't want to go to no return. So this is the sign that I do, and that's the like agreed upon. We're gonna let this drop or bookmark it for right now, and we'll come back to it later. And but being able to recognize it in ourselves and being okay with somebody else having that is is really because we all just want like the best or we want to be heard or yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

What I love about that, which I hope you don't mind if I steal that, but what I love about having a sign is sometimes it's hard to get those words out of your mouth, right? To say like that's too much or that's too far, or so being able to have a visual representation, I kind of love that idea because our Yeah, ours ours is pull the ripcord.

SPEAKER_02 21:46

Yeah, like literally, like this is me pulling on my shirt. For those of you are not watching, I'm pulling on my shirt like I'm pulling a ripcord on a parachute. Like so smart. But like not like pull it and walk away. But like this is my sign. We're gonna have some momentary like wrap-up and then yeah, come back for later. Because yeah, we can't we want to maintain the relationship. We want to maintain the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Yeah. So and the respect for each other and not trying to bulldoze through something when someone isn't in the right frame of mind to do so. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

Yeah. Um when you have so a lot of my clients, I I have been my own client also, in that I'm used to just pushing through and overriding all of the things that my body is feeling, even as somebody who was it has always been movement-oriented and you know, lifting weights or dancing or whatever. So I, you know, previous previous eras of my life, I would have said, Oh yeah, I'm totally in tune with my body. But it's it's a different perspective of the the nervous system aspect of it, but uh uhing have have you had an experience, and you don't need to specifically state the exact how the exact client or anything like that, you can speak around to the concept of somebody who comes to you and they are not used to feeling at all. They are used to like, let's just get this done and need to get this done. Yeah. Is there something that you do to say I'm or is it just intuitive, like I'm noticing this and would you be open to, or is there a point when you can't sort of break that spiritual barrier?

SPEAKER_00 24:05

When I first uh started my work, I would say I if someone, if I was getting the vibe that someone just needed to barrel through, I would just do that. I would just do it. And as I've grown in the work that I'm doing, I'm more comfortable having that conversation because it needs to be guided by me. It needs the invitation to pause and to dig deeper, that has to come from me. And so as I recognize that it needs to happen, I do just directly call it out. Let's have the conversation, let's, and sometimes it just results in tears that need to come out for a little while. Sometimes it results in let's just pause this call and we'll reconvene at a different time. It it really kind of depends, but I love the fact that I have been able to deepen that in the work that I'm doing. And in instead of just saying, Oh yeah, this person really just they're seeming like they just want to barrel, you know, just like keep going. Um, and I would follow their lead, I've kind of flipped that a little bit. And um I still obviously want to follow my clients' leads, that's not what I'm saying, but I do want to make sure that it's called out and then be able to decide how to move forward from there.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

Yeah. Fantastic. So you have a do-it-yourself uh section of work that you offer, you have a do-it-with you section, and then you've recently added community. What inspired adding a community?

SPEAKER_00 26:15

When I think about the lack of financial conversations that are happening in the online space, I was like, that is it. That is it. I it's like, yes, we see people post about a big revenue month, or yes, we see people post about uh, you know, I'm struggling this month, and it doesn't ever break that surface conversation, and without breaking that surface conversation and really being able to figure out what's going on underneath it all, how do we move forward? How do we move forward? I don't know. I remind me, are you a human designer? Is that you?

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Yeah, I'm an MG 6-3.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Did we know that about each other? That we're exactly the same.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

I don't think I knew you were an MG, but I don't know that we did the profile at all.

SPEAKER_00 27:17

Yeah, I'm a 6-3 also. And no wonder we get along so well.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Um now I'm like, this interview's gonna go on for hours. I'm just gonna have to have another conversation.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Okay, I'd totally be dumb for that. Um, but my I have a left angle cross of revolution, and in that, it's like I have a duty to bring to light those things that are often taboo or brushed under the rug. And the, like I said, the lack of conversation that I was seeing around it, especially with these business owners who really care about impact and care about making sure they're designing their own life. I so that's the community piece is solely being able to create a space, again, a safe space where we can have those deeper conversations about money and not have to worry about whose prying eyes are seeing that.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

Yeah. Awesome. I yeah, I have been in several sort of networking spaces where every few months somebody t comes in and talks about money, and sort of in that moment people are chatting about wow, it would be great to have these conversations more, and then you know, it kind of just doesn't really happen, or the people who run the space don't want to add that in. Um, and we're we're only gonna do better together, right? Like it's exactly well, okay. You are currently, you've got a new offer. Pay yourself, damn it. I don't know if there's a better way to say that, but I loved it.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Nope, I loved it. Okay, I have to confess, this was originally called calculate your baseline owner's draw. Okay, because that's exactly what you do inside of this micro workshop is you literally calculate how much does my business need, or how much does my household need from my business? And oftentimes we're setting prices and we're making all of these like business decisions without really going, well, how much does my household need from me? And that's like the starting point is really understanding how much does the household need, and whether the household is you or you and a partner, you and kids, like whoever that is, knowing at the bare minimum what the household needs to function. Like, that's a perfect place to start. So it was called calculate your baseline owner straw. And a couple of people that I had mentioned this to, they're like, Snooze. Like, let's talk about finances, you know, and so then I so then I was doing some like random brainstorming, and I was like, how can I like punk this up a little bit? Like, how can I make it a little spicier? And so that's when I came up with pay yourself damn it, and people are like, better, better. I was like, okay, I'll try it. I'll try, I'll try it with that, and let's see how people feel about it.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

And well, people will be able to find this through the the show notes. Um, is this a live only or is there replay available? How are you working this workshop?

SPEAKER_00 31:07

Yeah, it is a pre-recorded micro workshop and then a worksheet, a Google sheet that goes along with it. So the recording is about 16 or 17 minutes, and you have your worksheet that you can work through as you're watching it. So in less than 30 minutes, you'll be able to get to that number of what is that baseline owner's draw that your business should be paying you.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

Fantastic. Thank you. All right, so one thing we didn't talk about so far is that you work remotely for part of the year as you are traveling about. And I I've I mean, obviously a lot more people are doing this nowadays, but it's still really interesting to you know hear how that got how good gets started, what decisions did you all make, and is this going to always, or I mean, for the foreseeable future, be your lifestyle?

SPEAKER_00 32:13

Yeah, so we are RV nomads, uh, and we decided this um we we sold our house in 2019, July of 2019, having no idea what was coming our way with COVID. And the reason we got to that decision was twofold. Um my husband does semi-professional bass fishing, and he has tournaments all over the place, and he would be gone for weeks at a time, and then it just like we couldn't really quite get a groove of like would I go join at some point, or and it was not having kids wasn't keeping us in the space, and so we're like, why are we holding on to a house that isn't allowing us to chase our dreams? And it was a very hard decision to sell the house. I still miss that house to this day, um, but we both knew that the freedom that we were looking for to travel and not experience winters anymore were both were Iowa, Minnesota people, and the polar vortex. Um, you know, I had had plenty of years of negative temperatures, and so yeah, we we decided that in order to chase our dreams, selling the house was gonna be one of our quickest ways to make that happen.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

So this is the foreseeable future, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

And you know, I don't know what we're going into year seven, uh this uh calendar year 2027, and trying to figure out will it always be in an RV? Will it be like we ended up purchasing an Airbnb last November because we would rent an Airbnb for two months out of the year to be by our nieces um when we're in Iowa, and so we ended up buying it, and so now I run an Airbnb plus live there for two months out of the year. So then it's like, do we get a couple more of those maybe and kind of bop between not sure. I don't have the answer. Uh we talk about it all the time, we have fun dreaming about what what's the next step, but I don't foresee us just rooting in one place in the near future. All right.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

Well, if um outside of traveling in an RV, where is some where is some place in the world that you would like to travel to for a little while?

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Uh Thailand is definitely on my list. I have not had the opportunity to experience that culture and the beaches and of course the food. Uh, so that's high on my list. And then I would also love to do like an Ireland style, you know. I my husband has not, he he's not big into international travel, and I've always known that about him, and I'm fine doing it solo. I I did a stint in South Korea for five weeks. Um, I've done Australia, like I I've done some traveling, and he was kind of like, I'm not really gonna be your travel partner, sorry, Melissa, and I was like, fine, that's totally fine. And then his sister ended up getting married in Spain last year, and he went and he loved it. So no, he loved it. So there's a few places that I would like to take him. I think Italy would be super fun for him to go to, and so we'll we'll see what unfolds there. But I definitely the travel the travel bug bit when I was young and it hasn't stopped. Amazing.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

All right, we were talking about the harvest moon, the full moon coming up on September 26th before we started recording, and how it is typically spiritually associated with gratitude and the abundance of harvesting. So I would like to know right now uh what is something that you are grateful for andor something you are celebrating?

SPEAKER_00 36:59

One of my major North Stars is freedom. And when I look at the business that I am building, one of the things that I'm celebrating is working that freedom into it, where I can go get a massage on a Monday morning if that what were is what works. And yeah, just being able to have that space to make those decisions, um, yeah, freedom is my my number one North Star that I make decisions from.

SPEAKER_02 37:48

Excellent.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

Excellent.

SPEAKER_02 37:51

Well, how can aside from the show notes, if anybody's looking out for you, where can they find you?

SPEAKER_00 37:57

I mostly hang out on LinkedIn and Instagram. And on that um website that you're gonna link in the show notes, Melissamitt.com slash links with an S. I have all of my here's how we can work together. I have the my LinkedIn link and my Instagram link. So everything can be found there. And I would love to hear if there is something that you took from this episode, something that Super Kate and I got to giggle about or got to get a little bit deeper about. I'd I'd love to just hear if something just hit home for you.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

Yeah, please, please message her. It's always wonderful to get feedback from those who listen um once these these things go out into the ether. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:47

Yeah, they find themselves just out there living and we're like, okay, we let you off into the interwebs, and yeah, hearing, yeah, hearing what it brings to other people's lives is so fun.

SPEAKER_02 39:01

And even if you're listening to this two years from now, send send a message. It's yeah, it's always welcome. Yeah, for sure. Um well I'm I'm grateful you're here. I'm grateful for our friendship. I like I yeah, I'm very grateful to have you on the episode and to connect with you again. Um so thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

This uh our our next conversation was long overdue. So I'm glad I got to be here.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

Yes, yes. Excellent. Well, thank you all for listening, watching, and we look forward to connecting with you in the future. Bye everybody, thank you so much.