From FOMU to Flow: Reclaiming Play, Joy, and Your True Self with Brittany Martin-Déjean

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Hello everyone. Welcome to Connecting with Super Kate. And I have an amazing guest this week, Brittany Martin Dejan. She is, we met recently, honestly, and had such a blast in what you will find out is a like a monthly thing that she's doing. And just really vibe on how much play and how important play is in our lives, especially with, you know, if you've got a lot of stress going on, if you're running a business, if if you're just kind of overwhelmed by the state of things in the world, adding play is really important. But she also has a whole other realm of her business. And I can't wait for her to share it with you. So everyone, please welcome Brittany.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Thanks, Super Kate. Hi, everyone. I'm really happy to be here. Um, my name's Brittany. I live in southeastern Pennsylvania. And I, you know, one way to know me is just that I I spent most of my life doing what I thought I should uh and checking the boxes, so many boxes that I started to forget whose boxes they actually were. And um, when I was younger, my brother was killed in a car accident, and it was another thing that taught me that being different could be something that sets us apart and costs us belonging. And so when I started to put all that together to understand that being perfect became a way to be safe and a way to fit in, a way to blend. And so those are the kind, those influences in my life, like I said, led to a type of chameleoning that I didn't start to unravel until I was later in my 30s. And yeah, I think being becoming a mom had an impact on that. And um, but I really started to look uh at a pattern that I call FOMU, the fear of messing up, and understood how much of that was running my life, the operating system of my life. And when I started to face that and reprogram some of my patterns, I realized how much closer I could get to my true self. Uh and within all of that, even started to to what Super Kate was saying, just understand that I could face those things and build the business I actually wanted and, you know, do things for me. But at the same time, I realized I was making it really, really serious. And I realized how much fun I wasn't having. And so, you know, my journey has been about once I interrupted my pattern, started having more fun, I realized I could help other people do the same. And so, in one way or another, that's that's what I'm doing now, and that's who I am.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

Well, welcome. Oh my goodness. So I resonate with a lot of that, even though there was, I very much diverged from the like presenting a certain way um in high school, but it was a complete like rebellion from that whole like no, you're you've gotta fit in, it's this is how it goes. And and for years I harbored a lot of resentment around all of that. I mean, how how there was never going to be a way that I could show up and be accepted. Now, you know, as I'm older, I understand that there's a lot that goes into that. I don't know what those kids were feeling back then. I don't know what their parents were telling them. You know, at least I like I have I I don't know how old you are, but I had the joy of like growing up without internet. You're you're pretty close to the channel. I'm 40.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

I think earlier childhood, it came in like a little later in childhood.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Yeah, I'm 48. So like it it was it, I'm grateful in many ways that it wasn't around because I there wasn't the added like level of bullying. And at the same time, the ad there was also the added level of you get to see there are other people out there who are like you. So true the balance of that, right? But I'm wondering because you came to it later, uh, was there besides kids, can you recognize like one thing, or perhaps it was like a recurring thought that you were having in at the point when you finally said, I'm I'm tired of this whole like being scared of messing up perfectionism. I'm I'm tired, I can't let it hold me anymore.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

Yeah, uh really it's it wasn't all that long ago. It was really the last couple years. Um, I had been, I spent about 20 years working in disability inclusion and uh part as running a nonprofit, part in corporate. And I left, I was at Airbnb and I left Airbnb in the beginning of 2025 and was leaving to start a business. And I was gonna just continue in the path of disability. And so, but what really started to hit me was now I had started a business, you know, my social enterprise before. Now I'm back on my own entrepreneurship feed again. And I started to feel this kind of like re echo of limiting beliefs and negative thoughts and and on pressures and all these things where I was like, huh-uh, hold on, I'm almost 40 now. Like, do I really want to bring these into this next chapter? Like it wasn't new, it was kind of like I had experienced these things. But in my 20s, I was more like, my habits were you, you, you just do it, you white knuckle through it, you don't pay attention to whatever's burning in your body, you know, you just go. And so at this era, now I'd be my kids were young, but I'd had become a mom for a few years and so and we're stepping out of COVID, you know, more meaningfully, I think by then. And so yeah, I just I don't know if it's age. There's probably like a perfect storm in a good way of factors that made me ask why, instead of just keeping to power, keeping powering through. Um, and like, why am I scared? Why am I scared of what other people think? I wasn't really afraid of failure, but I was afraid of people getting mad at me. I was afraid of, you know, and and I guess, you know, at 37, 38, you're like, this intellectually and objectively feels bizarre to feel that way. So I'm very, you know, grateful to myself. And, you know, and I had these questions percolating, and then it was really, I heard someone speak, someone who's uh very dear to me that I've learned so much from at the end of 2024. So this was all kind of happening around the same time, but he's speaking about connecting to your true nature. And I had tears in my eyes during that talk because I was like, I don't think I actually know myself. And and that's kind of what to what I was saying, describing who I am is just really peeling back. I kind of see people as an onion, right? And uh at the heart is is who we are, but then there's these things we do to that gets us conditioned that impacts us. And to me, these behaviors of my overthinking and my self-punishment, these FOMO, these I call them FOMO behaviors, this fear of messing up behaviors, to me are a very recognizable and accessible layer to that onion. That for me, once I started to not do like interrupt my own patterns, face them, reprogram them, I just really found that I was one step closer to feeling like I was more in line with myself. And there's other things that have been a part of that journey, but to me, that's what is really important to me was this idea that if we're so if we remain wired to please everybody else, to check the boxes of someone else and do um power through and completely not acknowledging our own needs or thoughts or bodies, that that's where I uh it brought me back to a deeper understanding of what I think that's actually doing and and how it's just an elaborate safety architecture of trying to keep us safe, often built off habits from when we were much younger.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Yeah, and also just biologically, like evolutionarily, we still haven't moved past the we have to be a part of a community for our and safety, survival, right, exactly. It's all tied to that. Yeah. It's I I often sort of just like daydream about when if we'll get past that evolutionary stage, or if you know, there's always gonna be enough happening in the world that we're gonna be aware of that it will keep triggering that that need for safety, even if we can sort of um untether it in other places. So when you're playing like watching your kids in these first few years, I mean, it it is very easy to say, okay, well, they're kids, they get to do whatever they want. They don't have any, like, I don't have to have any rules around them. Did you feel find yourself at all wanting to correct things that they did, or were you just like, no, let's let's just see what happens. I want to see them explore.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

I'm definitely much more of the I want to see them explore. Like, um, I think, you know, I've taken it as a uh watching little kids grow up from the vantage point that I was in was just like, oh, there's so much more going on between those little eyes than I feel like was in our like uh in our childhoods, right? It was more like society and that you just follow the rules or you pay the consequences and kids adapt in in the way, you know, we didn't necessarily adapt the same ways, but like we were adapting to similar constructs, right? And so I I find that now there's more of an awareness in in certain ways of of uh you know, raising kids to feel secure in who they are and and exploring who that is. Like if anything, I just having an understanding of how distanced I feel I got from my true self, that I don't have an image or vision for where I want my children to go, other than that they are supporting them on the journey to figure out what that is for them. And and and that because I think it's it's helped me uncover, I think, a deeper purpose in my work to because I I think I love getting to know who who people were before Should took over.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

And that's the journey that I've been on. And I don't I don't know that it's a journey that has a set end, right? It's just our journey, it's the journey of our lives, right? But I think when when I when you give space for people to be who they are and be driven by their their hearts and and what feels right for them, like I just think we get better outcomes. And I don't mean like A's on a test or you know accomplishment in any stereotypical sense. I just mean regulated nervous systems. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

Well, you know, people who are or not scrambling or striving, who are being. And that's yeah, that's a journey that I think, you know, I'm still on, but I really like learning from people who tap into that and trying to foster that in my kids.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Yeah, that's awesome. I uh it's oh my gosh, I had so many thoughts there. We'll see if I can find any of them. Love this time of life. All right. Uh I have noticed sometimes in myself um and in other people when we start peeling those layers back. I mean, so many things come up. Uh, one of them is how many more layers are there? And am I gonna like who that is on the other side of it? Um have you experienced that with any of the clients that you work with?

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Well, I I don't, I haven't really guided people through that full journey, but I can speak to the clients that I've worked with that I've helped interrupt their FOMO because basically what I their fear of messing up, I see it as this cycle that we do to ourselves before, during, and after a mistake. And it often hinges on this the meanings we've given mistakes, whether that's societally imposed, culturally or familially imposed. Um, and again, it's often what we've internalized a long time ago. So what I've seen is relief because I think at least at that stage of the onion, there's just exhaustion. There is so much exhaustion, there is so much uh uh scarcity and also just like tightness, constriction. And so when I, you know, one of my clients I worked with, we we kind of talk through like what just finish the sentence mistakes mean. You know. And a lot of times we just haven't a lot of people haven't thought through that. But often that definition comes from a long time ago. And and I appreciate her that she was willing to be so honest and gave me her permission to share this evolution for her, but her word was death. She was like, I'm just gonna be honest. This is the first word that comes to my mind. And I was very, you know, again, like it was a group situation. So again, appreciated that honesty. And so having that awareness was key, you know, and as we spoke about her evolution through the program, it was like, I just didn't realize how much I had built around this idea of avoiding something that I had made be akin to death and that had just never been questioned. And so a lot of times these uh I see FOMO as a safety architecture, right? Like mistakes are dangerous. You might articulate it in a different way of what they mean, but they're often seen as dangerous. They're to be avoided. Now, some of that's biological, right? But or like deep evolutionary, but what we've attached to mean a mistake is is influenced and it's you know, we're not dealing with saber-toothed tigers anymore. So um when she went through this process, it was for her like this eye-opening thing of, you know, the avoidance before so the three phases before a mistake, it's the overthinking, it's the avoidance, the procrastination, it's um uh all of the anxiety around doing something. Then there's the mistake itself, and then there's the stories you make, there's outcomes, and then there's the stories you make them mean. And so once you parse that apart, you're like, maybe you you start a business, you run an event, no one shows up. Now, the outcome is you ran an event and no one showed up. That is a neutral fact. But the stories balloon into I'm not cut out for this, um, my business is gonna fail, you know, and and so no wonder you spent all the hours avoiding it. And then you have what I think actually gets really overlooked is the phase three of the recovery or the lack thereof. Um, and I know for myself, there were mistakes that I experienced that I couldn't think about for years without my stomach hurting. And that's and that is what I think, you know, we tell high achievers often, or anyone really, like, just do just send the email, just do the thing or be confident. Or in my case, people telling me I was confident. And I'm like, uh, like, you know, mouth shut, but in my heart, I'm like, I don't feel this at all. And what I think is missing is that that kind of just just do it power pose advice, we're not addressing what you're actually afraid of, which is the aftermath. And when the way that we can eviscerate ourselves and speak more unkindly to ourselves than we would speak to any other human being on the planet really started to hit me as something that goes so unaddressed. And so that after that, it because the story has informed how much you beat yourself up, but we are not motivated by punishment. Like human humans are not, like cultural beliefs at whatever generation aside, like it is not what works. And so helping people understand, like, we have to look at what we're doing to ourselves because when we beat ourselves up and make it be so uncomfortable, what we're actually doing is strengthening the FOMU cycle. And so the next time you want to go do something, it's gonna be even harder. Or that email you were taking three hours on is gonna take eight, or the the talk you gave that didn't go the way you wanted, you that happened to me. Give an example. Like I gave a talk, I bombed it. I couldn't think about it for years. I had footage, I couldn't watch it. I and I never once again solicited a solo. This is over a decade ago, but I in this conference series, I had an in, but I never sought to speak a solo talk again. So it's not, it's like we we proactively limit ourselves. And so we're not taking it as an opportunity to say, what do I learn from this? Or like maybe intellectually, you know, you're supposed to learn from mistakes and mistakes aren't bad. We say these things, but FOMO is ingrained in our subconscious and in our body, so you can't think your way out of it. Otherwise, all the smart people would have already done so.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Right. Well, that all of those, those the when the body is triggered like that, that fight or flight, the nervous system is like just get get you know, get the fuck out of here. Anything but that. Yes, yeah, yeah. That takes away our creativity, it takes away our ability to focus. It because it needs that energy to keep us safe. So when we're vigilant, yeah, when if you know, no, it's no wonder that the the talk once took three hours and now it's taking eight hours because you don't have the open capacity to see what what you need, what you want to say, the possibilities, the just yeah, the the open creativity that you had the time before.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

And and also something went poorly once and it was painful, and then we're wired to avoid pain if we see it as pain, right? Or a threat when we leave those things unaddressed. So the vigilance becomes that happened once and I can never do it again. And sometimes we don't, but then really amazing people are checking everyone else's boxes back to the box check, you know, like and we're not seeing their their brilliance, their brilliance isn't out because it's behind a wall of fear.

SPEAKER_01 19:24

I keep uh the the journey that I have been on that I I work with people on now is just you know, sort of pulling apart the facts from the stories that we're telling ourselves and how that feels in our body because I I'm very body-oriented. I love understanding the nuance of small movement and how things land and where we hold them. And I, you know, hindsight is 2020, but like to have grown up in a world that understands this is simply how something went. It is just the fact is no one showed up for that workshop. There's nothing more to that. That's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

That took me a long time. That's where like now when I realized I could help people with this is when I realized I wasn't reacting those ways. I wasn't, I could I mean, it's I feel like often spoke of as emotional attachment, which detachment, sorry, which is difficult for me as an empathetic person to swallow that at first. But like, you know, uh I I ran uh a coaching program this summer and I left it open to 10 people and I had one. And not that long ago, I would have been ready to throw in the towel. And instead, I was like, well, how many people did I get on my how many people did I um get to sign up for my webinar? How many, you know, I I looked at it, it was summertime, you know, there's I looked at it with a lens of um investigation and like what can I learn from this? And I really had no negativity attached to it. I was really like, cool. And I messaged the woman, I said, Hey, you know, this is a situation. Do you and she was still in and we had an awesome time. You know, and so that was like it was my second time running that. So, you know, I was like, I'm this is what it means to build a business. And but it was I took it as an opportunity to learn in a new way. But I, but I it's I still my foam was still flares up. It's not that it goes away, but it's I see what it is. And the more you take the the actions scared, the less, you know, you you eventually it's not as hard. And so I'm not suffering to make decisions anymore. But um, like in that case, that's like a very concrete example where I could look at That and be like, wow, I have a completely different frame of reference on this. And it felt very natural. I was not forcing that. But the work came before then to practice what it means to do what you think is right for you because it's your right next step, not because you know it's gonna work, but because you know that if you're really listening to yourself, a lot of times I really think people know what they want to do. Like, I don't think they need a coach to tell that, like, I don't think any coach should tell anyone, right? But it's more help giving people permission to honor what they already have. And for me, I knew that this is the direction that I was meant to be going. And I gave myself permission for that. But that came with an understanding of that I can't control how it's gonna go. I just know that this is right for me. And there's there's a confidence and a power in that, knowing that you can learn from whatever the outcome is because you weren't doing it for anyone else or because you thought you should.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah. I um going back, you you said emotional detachment, and it really I that grabbed me. Um, I mean, it's not an unknown term. I'm sure I have used it in the past. And how there are people who are emotionally detached. Yes. Some for good, some for bad. I mean, some in in a way that it they have to be in a in a, you know, I'm I don't know that I am somebody who can emotionally detach enough to be a surgeon, right? Sure, right. We need you know, so I'm I get you. And then there are other people who are emotionally detached to in in the way that is not ideal. And I think that that term perhaps has been thrown out at people as a means of keeping us feeling shitty about ourselves, uh, uh because we're supposed to care about everybody and do things for everybody and you know that that whole circle. Um so emotional detachment being used as a form of perhaps elevating some people because they're you know, they're so good at what they do, they don't have to like, they don't need to be emotionally attached versus perhaps thrown more at um female presenting people of you, you know, oh you're just emotionally detached, you so you don't care about anything. And then that sends us into that spiral of I'm not good enough, I'm not living up to whatever, I don't care for anybody. And for those conditioned to care for everybody, that's like a stab in the heart.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

So yeah, how do you gotta have the nuance of understanding like I am a very emotionally driven and attached person, but I'm not going to let an underperforming launch diff like decide or define how I think of myself anymore. Right. Owning fully that I spent a long time, like that talk. Oh my gosh, you know, the ways that I would any moment that the the the mistakes that I have come to understand, the ones that I sat with kind of in my own evolution that I use now to to relate to people in my program, it's like all of them came with complete ripping myself apart. You know, and uh and that's what comes, it's like to the confidence. It's like, no wonder I didn't feel confident. But I think we have a lot about confidence backwards, and that confidence is like you're not scared anymore. Like, no, to me, confidence comes from knowing you can handle the outcome. Now is that's what I understand. But that's what I think we talk about confidence to take the action. And I, and what I for people like me who relate to this idea that like, I don't know, the number of times I attempted to power pose in a bathroom stall and it didn't help, right? Like, I'm not fighting the science on power posing. I'm just saying for certain people like me, it was like, why isn't this working? Right. Because it isn't just about the the confidence to take the action. It's the fact that we um what I've come to understand now is that we can hold ourselves no matter the outcome, because we're confident that we're doing things that are right for us and we're confident that we'll we'll get through it, whatever, whatever that outcome may be.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

Yeah. I I first heard this from Layla Hormosy, but I don't know, I can't remember if she got it from somebody else or she created it. But the the concept that fear is a mile wide, but actually only an inch deep. And we, you know, we because it it feels like such this big thing, but once we step into it, look at it, dip our toe in it, yeah, look at it, acknowledge it, it can the the illusion goes away and or enough for us to take the first step.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

At least right, especially if you're like really like the way okay, when I first started posting on LinkedIn, hours, hours, hours of agonizing drafts. I I will admit this and I've admitted it in public in the past. I have had my husband hit post for me because I couldn't do it. Okay. Awesome. But I will say now that my like he doesn't even read my post. Like, I I I I draft my posts and and I get them out, right? Like some might take longer than others, but it's not because I'm I'm stewing. But like it that those first times I did it, it was not fun to either have my husband hit post or sometimes when I was brave enough hit post. But I knew that I wanted to start putting myself out there. And so, but over time, that's where I feel like that fear is enough sometimes to stop people from even posting at all. I know this happens a lot. Yeah. And to your, to your point, I think what I've started to learn and what I love helping people in the in the FOMO work is is like just get a flashlight into that fear because what I think is really under that, it looking a mile wide, is the fact that what we resist persists. Like that's a you know, very common phrase. But I it really stuck with me when I realized the more you resist the fear, um, that that I think that's what gives it that impression of being all-encompassing. But when you're willing to look at it, you then see the actual depth of it. Because sometimes it's just for me, walking people, when I walk people through, um, you know, what this is, I'll share this and hope maybe it'll help some of your listeners. But like in the first phase of FOMU, when you recognize that you're overthinking, you recognize you're anxious and and procrastinating or whatever, however, it looks for you, call it the FOMU fingerprint. Everyone is different. But whenever you realize what you're doing before the action you don't want to take, that you're doing it, the interrupt just a way to interrupt is just to ask, what am I protecting myself from? And sometimes just that and and and naming that is enough to interrupt a spiral. It doesn't mean you're not scared. It doesn't mean that fear goes away, but it's no longer. I I think fears in our mind that we don't say out loud just balloon, right? Because we're probably running from them. So if you can articulate what you're write it down, tell a trusted friend, like just get it out. Um I find that if we are, oh, I am doing this because I'm afraid of can help enough to just recenter.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

And then and then give us a, you know, that breath to take the action scared. Because at the end of the day, it none of this means that those first interruption pattern, like those first interruption moments are going to be comfortable. Because again, this isn't a thought pattern, this is a habit loop, and habits aren't just something you're like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like, no, that doesn't, but that doesn't mean just because something's uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's wrong.

unknown 30:16

Right.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

If so long as you're, you know, you know you're aligned to doing what you're called to do or what's right for you.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

Yeah. The the step that I take people through in those moments of like acknowledging something is causing them anxiety, scared, like you know, distressed, whatever it is, is where is that sitting in your body? And you know, is it tight shoulders? Sometimes your breath isn't as big, sometimes your heart is racing, or I mean, I I and I know many of the people out there listening clenched your butts, and you're probably not even aware you're clenching your butt right now. You're probably clenching your butt. That happens a lot. And I mean, partly what I'm doing right now, I'm standing up, but like it, it it's a it's a way that I've held on in in certain situations. We brace and that's a physical thing, yeah, exactly. And so, one understanding that's where it lands in my body, at least in this specific moment, and what can I do to move that? If it, you know, it can be naming the thing out loud, maybe that's enough. Or maybe we have to physically get our bodies moving. And sometimes that is like I sometimes I'll lead my clients through breathing exercises. If it is a you know, more of a constriction in the breath thing, I'll lead them through stretches that open up the rib cage. And for me personally, like I have to make the moves bigger most of the time, not all the time, but most of the time, I have to physically get up and shake things off and and feel my body in space and oftentimes to music. And that is, I mean, I love a good dance party. Excuse me, I love a good dance party, and that is part of the reason we why we met is because you posted about having a dance party. And I thought, this is so fucking wonderful. Like, of course I'm gonna show up for this. What uh how okay, this perfectly timed, like I get to be there, and it was short and sweet, and exactly like what I was hoping it was gonna be. And I I didn't even need it in that moment, but that extra level of joy that I personally get, and I saw other people who weren't even moving their bodies getting the joy of that moment, whether it was from watching or you know, watching me, you in the background, or if it was because of the video, like regardless, that releases tension. And so I would love for you to speak now about the intentional joy club. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

So and it's a good, it's I love that you brought up that way. And it's so fascinating because it looks like you know, now getting to the more I get to know you, it's like I can understand the direction that you went and I went a different way, but like that we were coming from similar foundations. And the way that I coped cut me off very much from my body. And a lot of people who fall in that who can relate to that, like we we a lot, it's just you're cut off. You you live in your brain, you overthink. And and and again, to survive some of those uncomfortable moments, you're you're not feeling your butt clenched because you're not you're you're not thinking about your body. And so um in my program too, uh, one of the things that I've done too is ask people where they feel it. And I have, I, I have yet to find someone who can articulate at least some physical thing that they recognize comes up in some of these cycles. And it is different for some people, which I've found fascinating. But to for the people that I've worked with, it's like even just acknowledging it. And sometimes it's taken people a few steps to be like, oh yeah, I feel that here. Or, you know, because it's not, they're not, it's not how we're raised, we're not raised to think of our bodies. And so, um, but for and I've gotten that message also, and I've and that I need to move more and I need to um, you know, we're different things I've done on my own journey to like connect to my body. But at the end of August, um, you know, building this coaching business, which, you know, I care about and I'm passionate about, and I felt very happy that I landed on an understanding of the habits of fear of messing up and that I could help people with that. Um, it was a big pivot from my 20 years in disability inclusion, but I went for it a lot of it because I interrupted some of those patterns. Uh, but by so this is just from the spring. I mean, so it's been very recent. So from spring to August, I caught myself falling into patterns of like, okay, well, um, like not enough yet, right? Not successful, not enough clients, not enough. And that I was living into this idea of needing to be further along, or I just felt a heaviness of, am I getting this right? And am I so, and I I was, yeah, just feeling a heaviness despite having run a successful beta program. I had another client and you know, I was having great results. I was like, this is awesome. Um, and then I was like, but why did I couldn't hold on to that because I'm seeing what I didn't do on the to-do list. And I was sharing this with a friend of mine, um, who also coaching speaking clients, etc. And but she's hurt further ahead of me, longer, more clients. And she was like, Oh, that's how I feel. And I was like, Oh, wait a second. I'm like, okay, thanks, universe. Like now I get that this isn't something I get to fix in 10 clients. This is something that I have to fix now because I need to be happy with where I am. Because this is again, I'm recognizing the evolution of my own FOMO, my own patterns. Um, that, you know, again, it's not a cure or a light switch. It's like you just get better at seeing what you're doing to yourself. And so when that hit me, this timed hilariously with the next day my cousin invited me to join her on a Backstreet Boys Peloton ride. She had just gone to the show in Vegas, so she was like on cloud nine. And um, and I'm like, why not? So I jump on this on my Peloton and I'm doing this bike. But the thing is, I'm like, hadn't listened to Backstreet Boys in a really long time. So I am, I was singing, I was dancing, my kids were next to me. Like, who is this? What's happening? Like, what did you do with our mother? And um, I had my mood, like just was through the roof. And then I realized, like, what my the thought in my head was, if I have this much fun singing and dancing, why do I never do it? And what I realized is that, you know, I was someone like, wait for people to invite me to their weddings. I'm like, I don't need to wait for people to invite me to their weddings. Like, I I can do this right now. And so I had this idea in that moment at the end of August of just like, I'm gonna have, I I should do a dance party. And then, and then I had a FOMO flare of like, ooh, because I can leave corporate and that's a little, you know, different, but I'm still doing something reasonably professional. And I'm like, inviting a bunch of 40 somethings, or actually it's it's been quite a range. I would say like 20s up through 70s, which I love. But like I'm stepping into a space where I've always shown up as Britney the high achiever who checked all these boxes and does things maybe a little not perfectly in the right, you know, the path dictated, but reasonably rests within the realm of acceptable to just invite people to dance with me on for 15 minutes on Zoom. Like, but then but that's when I had this inner knowing of like, but I have to do this because this is more me. And this, and I because I realized after that bike ride, I was like, I'm not having enough fun. And then that we can have a choice. And then honestly, the intentional joy club was I have like my journals that I was writing. It's like, I could not get that phrase out of my head. It just like came to me. I tried to think of other names, and I'm like, why am I fighting this thing that won't leave my head? So a month later, and now this is like again, FOMU evolution, because I would never I mean, I went, it was like uh end of August, I was having these conversations. September 30th was our first dance party, the one you came to. But I realized I was like, because I think I can cultivate this for the kind of people that I understand, and that if we make it multiple hours, people will push it away. I was like, and I made it 15 minutes at noon on a Wednesday, you know, where I intentionally was like, just step out of your grind, three songs. Um, and I went 90s Y2K because there is real joy there. Um, although I'm open to other music, but this is just how we've started thus far because I think nostalgia taps into something that um we don't always touch that brings a lot of joy. And I'm and I made it be exactly what you were saying. Like, I don't care what you do, be on camera, don't be on camera. Um, dance or don't. And so what you were saying, super Kate, is like you were up, I was up, others were up, but only like 20 people came. Half were on camera, half weren't. One who was on camera was at Starbucks, she could have gotten up and danced if she wanted, but she didn't want to, and that's okay. And and then the chat's there, so people were engaging in the chat because there is nothing more hilarious than like 90s music videos. And and and it did have this collective energy where for me, I don't think I would have been as happy with it if everyone was on camera. Because that to me would mean I only attracted people who were comfortable being seen. And that's not what I want. I want people who are recognizing. Well, I guess the one piece I missed in August, I didn't just jump to making this club. I it was in my mind, but I I was really got curious and I was like, am I the only one who feels this way? And so I started to ask a bunch of my friends and and other people around me, and and everyone except two were like, no. And the the two people, one is traveling the world for the year, so she's having a lot of fun, and the other one um was fascinatingly was uh a refugee as a child, and and she's just joy has always been a priority in my life from that. And I was like, that is a beautiful, fascinating thing. But it was but two very specific circumstances that led to fun being a yes for them. Everyone else was like, no, no, not it's really hard to come by, it's too expensive, I don't have time for it. And then, you know, that's where I was like, maybe there's something here, and maybe if I make it very low barrier to entry and make it online and just make it be what people want it to be, as opposed to performance. Um, so yeah. Yeah, that's how we got here. Yeah, and now we have the club and we do two 15-minute dance parties a month, and um, it's very silly, and it's a honestly, it's affected even how I look at my coaching work now. Because I did the club as an invitation, and I feel like you know, it was such a low barrier to entry, and and so it created this just energy of happiness and lightness, and now it's even like I look at my coaching work, like it's just an invitation. Yeah, it's not, you know, work with me or not, that's okay. I want to know if it feels right for you, but it's not I'm no longer having this energy of like, am I successful or am I, you know? And I'm having a lot more fun.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

Good, good. Well, I I, you know, I I would have I feel the need to like make the dance bits longer because I enjoy dancing. I love like you know, getting into the mode, and at the same time, that was a pretty perfect amount because it got everything going, but I didn't have to really block off time. No, and I have as much as I believe people should take longer breaks, agreed, but we're not conditioned to do that yet. And so even taking five minutes is often difficult, and so with just the 15 minutes, it was a great like jump on, do it, and then jump off. And I loved also that the one um the one human was at Starbucks and just hanging out. I might have been dancing if I was at Starbucks. I certainly would have been dancing in my seat, but that's not to say like that's the wrong choice, right? Like that was how she wanted to in enjoy.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

She had a blast, she joined the club, like it would it's like it can serve people, you know what I mean? Like it serves people. That's what I wanted. I was like, I will if the music brings you joy, I don't care if it you have to dance, but like if you know, I because I I know that that works for me. If you hate music, okay, I'm not trying to force you to like music, but like that, you know, it was really just I wanted people to feel like they could pop in. I mean, the one person was walking into the DMV, like another person, my one was that baggage claim and like telling her Uber driver to not talk to her because she was watching me. I'm like, I got some of these. This was the chat was like hilarious. And so um, yeah, it just really, it's just been, it's hit me that like, yeah, I think we can often talk ourselves out of it. We can FOMO ourselves out of fun, even, right? And this idea that you don't have time for it, that's why I wanted to challenge those assumptions. You have 15 minutes. Right. Yeah. And you may have a conflict one time or another, but you have 15 minutes to step out and and and you don't again, like I said, you you don't have to be seen. And that's that's why I wanted people, you don't have to buy a ticket, you don't have to show, you know, drive somewhere, you don't have to get child care, you don't have to, you just tune in. Um, and like you're stuck at the office, you sit in your chair, right? Like if that if that idea of that brings you joy.

SPEAKER_01 44:30

Right, right. I I find myself wanting to like slightly push the envelope for those who didn't feel comfortable having their camera on. And like, could you at some point not consider in the future turning that on? Like, is it because you were just simply doing other things and it didn't, you know, whatever, or you just didn't want to be seen? Because I can say from I I at least when it comes to dance, I have virtually no filter around how ridiculous I look, whether it's at a wedding, on a Zoom, you know, whatever. I'm I'm fine with it. That's but this is my one of my love languages. So it's but there have been moments where I have felt myself, do I really want to be that goofy? Whether it was on camera or in person. And I thought, but that gives me the permission, or that gives somebody else the permission to maybe just put a foot on the dance floor. Okay, well, I'm gonna, or maybe it scares them, who knows?

SPEAKER_02 45:43

But I'm willing to well, I can say you helped me. I I can say that. I mean, I said at the dance party, like at the end, I owned, I had one of my friends come on five minutes early because I was just I because I offered a recording, like a temporary recording, because not everybody could make it, but I wanted people to see what I was building. But I knew I was gonna be the only square that was on that recording. And I like I'm all fun and games. I love dancing. I dance at weddings. I'm not a wallflower by any means, but one square in my room, um, in my Spice Girls t-shirt, you know, I was just like, I was feeling a little uncomfortable. And the dance party jump jazzed me up so much that at the end, if you remember, I said, I was like, I just want to thank you all for being here. And I want to own that I was nervous. I was nervous because, you know, and and it really melted away in that community. And and actually a friend of mine that came texted later and he said, I just want you to know that I was gonna be off camera because I was feeling nervous and I'm really glad I wasn't, and or that he ended up being on camera because that was amazing and I had so much fun. And so I think there is no right or wrong. Like I will never dictate it, but I think it comes from this idea that I want the show up as you are. To me, it felt that my messaging worked to validate that I I truly have no um no requirements or expectations of you, but I I also was emotionally prepared and detached, like that I might be the only person on camera. And I wasn't, and so that's why you helped me too, because seeing you have so much fun, seeing the chat, seeing other, and you weren't the only one, you and I weren't the only ones dancing, but like there was a few of you that were that were visible to me, and I just to see people just be like having a blast in different ways totally changed that experience for me. So I can thank you too.

SPEAKER_01 47:37

Oh, well, you're welcome. No problem. Any anytime I'm there and you want to throw me on the camera, I like honestly, I don't even know what's going on. I'm just in the music. I I don't care. I I want to I don't record them.

SPEAKER_02 47:49

I mean, I I recorded that it's not like I'm again, like I have to be really careful because I don't want I am not doing this to put people on the spot. I am not doing this for people to feel like they have to show up or perform or wear the right clothes or because I'm a lot of times attracting people or or magnetizing people who are so tired and so over so much that like if I were to dictate how they're supposed to have fun, like I don't want I don't want that energy. I want someone to be like, I can I can I can step into a conference room or I can just listen to this in my corner of the office or I can some people have brought their kids, right? You know, they've got kids, they've got responsibilities. Um, yeah, and it's become intergenerational, like there's yeah, and then and then it just makes me it it's been a lot of fun, and I'm really excited to see where that can go because there's something that I'm loving about there's a community element to this. It's not like you have to go be best friends with everyone, but this idea that being a part of a group of people who are acknowledging this moment that we are not letting ourselves have enough fun, right?

SPEAKER_01 48:58

Right. Well, so you've got an like an opening for Intentional Joy Club coming up soon. That yeah, yeah. Tell everyone about that.

SPEAKER_02 49:09

So if any of this sounds like fun, you want to come dance with Superkate and I, because Super Kate's one of my founding members. Um November 10th at 3 p.m. Eastern, you can go to intentionaljoyclub.com. The sign-up is there now, and you'll get uh the calendar invite with the Zoom link. And that's you'll come on. Um, got some party rules. It's very simple, but just be yourself and have fun in your terms. Um three songs that I screen the music videos, which is why it's that's a layer of hilarity for sure. And then um, I'll share a little bit about the club. That's gonna, it's an it's a dance party for my club members, but I'm opening it up to the public for anyone else who who wants to come join us and dance with us twice a month. So that'll be on, like I said, on November 10th.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

Yeah, awesome. And you also have a workshop coming up for FOMU, too.

SPEAKER_02 49:59

Yes. And so from a FOMU perspective, some people may fit into both buckets and some people just want to dance, and that's totally cool with me. But if anything of the FOMU resonated, then I am hosting a free webinar called Overthinking is Only Part of the Problem on Wednesday, October 28th at noon Eastern. So that's um FOMU to Flow.com. So F-O-M-U-T-O-F-L-O-W. So like FOMU to flow, like to get from that fear of messing up to flow state. Um and so if that interests you, I'll just break down, talk about overthinking, uh, talk about some of the other architecture so that you can see the full cycle of what you're doing to yourself. Um, and that will be an invitation. If if that resonates and you want to go further, I'm running my program again in November uh for six weeks, where we go through each of the phases of the cycle. Um, and there's a video self-paced component, and then Wednesdays uh for six weeks, we'll do group coaching calls where we can talk through this with other people who um understand the problem because then no one, you're not alone on this. So that's what's coming up for my end. So we can dance, we can talk about mistakes, we can do both. But I love to chat with anyone or connect with anybody who feels drawn to that.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

Amazing. Well, as always, the information will be in the show notes. Um what I want to know what is one thing you are celebrating right now. Doesn't have to be in regards to anything we talked about. It can be personal, but professional.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

Honestly, I mean it will does tie to it because I'm I'm really celebrating doing this dance club. Like that, I had a lot of FOMO about it because it felt like again, stepping into a part of myself that really getting in that onion, like we were talking about. I am the silly kid that loves singing and dancing, and I I, you know, kept that in a box or in socially appropriate situations like weddings. But um I I don't know that I I not all that long ago, I probably would have just let it stay an idea. And so uh the amount of joy it's bringing me um really makes me feel like I I'm just proud of myself to go for it. And I would have been proud of myself if it if no one joined. And and that's I'm celebrating um this year, I guess this this year, because I my coaching program too, like I I have challenged myself putting these changes I made into action, and I just feel a lot more peaceful and um confident, a lot more confident of just like we're going for it. So I'm I'm just celebrating, taking that next step, those next steps that I've taken and and uh being okay, being on the journey.

SPEAKER_01 52:54

Wonderful. Oh well, thank you so much for being here with us. I really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. It was so fun to talk to you. Everyone, check out like check both of the offers out if they resonate. I highly recommend the joy club because a good dance party. It's a good dance party. On your terms, yeah, on your terms. We don't even have to see you. Yeah, yeah. Uh yeah, but this has been wonderful. I'm so grateful to get to know you a little bit more and you too to watch how this evolves over time, and perhaps there are some collaborations in the future. And yeah, I'm really looking forward to all of it. So thank you so much. Thanks. And thanks to everyone out there for connecting with us, and we'll see you next time.